Caring Is Creepy Read online

  ALSO BY

  David Zimmerman

  The Sandbox

  Copyright © 2012 by David Zimmerman

  All rights reserved.

  Published by

  Soho Press, Inc.

  853 Broadway

  New York, NY 10003

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Zimmerman, David.

  Caring is creepy / David Zimmerman.

  p. cm.

  eISBN: 978-1-56947-978-0

  1. Mothers and daughters—Fiction. 2. Soldiers—Fiction.

  3. Domestic fiction. I. Title.

  PS3626.I49C37 2012

  813’.6—dc23

  2011041973

  v3.1

  In Memory of Laura Hruska

  “It’s a cesspool, a spittoon, and the devil of it is, they set it in front of you in a fancy cup and make like it’s champagne, so of course you drink it. My daughter never had a chance in a place like that.”

  —2002 radio interview about the Internet

  with the mother of a teenaged kidnap victim.

  “Allow me my phrases: there is a strange and deep thing coming, like a mouth, at the end of this.”

  —BARRY HANNAH,

  “The Spy of Loog Root”

  Contents

  Cover

  Other Books by This Author

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Dedication

  Epigraph

  The Game

  New Identities

  Asshole

  Learning the Rules

  Rule #4

  The Bad, The Badder, and The Ugly

  Soap Opera Villain

  Types

  A Tupperware Box Full of Fresh-Sucked Pills

  L.L.

  A Swallowed But

  The Dreamiest Arms in People Magazine

  Cats and Dogs

  Sweet Talk

  Crazy Spell

  Phony

  Doing It

  Three-Day Rule

  Serial Killer

  Angry Red Mouth Print

  Boats in Bottles

  0

  Amateur Night

  That Makes Quite a Stink

  The Barn

  Russian Roulette Truth

  About Busted Up My Poor Boy’s Head

  The Mystery of the Snitch in the Night

  Will Hayes Go to China?

  Guido Gardens

  A Red Shirt and a Polka-Dot Dress

  Boone’s Farm

  A Half-Collapsed Barn Covered in Kudzu Vines

  Heckle and Jeckle

  Baby’s Got a New Pair of Shoes

  Advice

  You Did What, Now?

  Should I Really Let Logan Loy Spend the Night?

  3:46 to 3:47 AM

  Sort of Green

  Princess Lynn Marie

  Filthy

  Sex Slave

  The Dangers of Girl Warming

  A New Boat

  The First Real Lie

  Officially AWOL

  Nervous

  Finally

  I’ve Been Thinking

  The Emperor’s New Clothes

  A Fistful of Trojans

  The Answer

  Fashion Crime

  Some Nightmares Smell Like Burning Plastic

  Logan’s Car

  Dirty Wild Indian

  Darling, Mind If I Step Inside?

  Business Card

  A Misdiagnosed Stomach Bug

  You Clean Up Nice

  But It’s Really More Like a Dozen

  And Then the Awful Quiet

  Good Cop, Bad M.P.

  The 175-Pound Three-Year-Old

  He Ain’t What I Expected

  A Stink Even Febreze Can’t Fix

  Shitty Mothers

  Wet Wiring

  It Ain’t a Tea Party

  Bright and Blank and Terrible

  Shoelaces and Duct Tape

  Those Dogs Looked Like They Were Fixing to Eat Us

  You All Got Anything Cold to Drink?

  The World in Ashtray Colors

  The Time for Fucking Around Is Done

  Shadow Puppet Show

  I Forgave the Rest

  Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

  Hide and Seek

  Acknowledgments

  The Game

  The most dangerous thing I ever did was tell a grown man my real name. I typed it for him. Lynn Marie Sugrue. When it happened, it didn’t seem like anything at all. Hardly something worth worrying over. Me and my best friend Dani were down in her basement bedroom on a night hot and thick enough to push in against the window screens. We were playing our favorite game of the moment, a sort of online combination of crank phone call and blind man’s bluff, but it was really more of a scheme to try out being bad in a place we thought it wouldn’t count. We just never expected to be the ones wearing the blindfold.

  So this is August of 2005 in Metter, Georgia, population half of nothing. A million miles from anywhere good. So this is me and Dani, just turned fifteen and a couple weeks away from our sophomore year at Metter High. So this is me fucking up my life like you wouldn’t believe.

  New Identities

  The trouble started with a gift. The day after my friend Dani’s birthday, I found her moping down in her bedroom beside a pair of huge boxes. Dani’s dad owns that used car lot out where Lewis Street meets the county highway—Big Dunham’s it’s called, the one where in the commercials a girl in a bikini goes around popping balloons on windshields, saying, “We’re popping prices like you wouldn’t believe.” He’d been promising for years to buy her a car when she turned fifteen. Dani wouldn’t be able to drive without an adult sitting next to her for another year, but this hadn’t bothered her one whit. “I’ll get to have plenty of practice for the license test,” she’d say. A few weeks before her birthday, though, something happened to change Dani’s mother’s mind, something not even Dani would tell me about. Whatever it was she did, it made her mother decide poor little Dani wasn’t quite ready for a car of her own. Instead, she got a new computer.

  I took a beer from my backpack and waved it in front of her face to get her attention. “Cheer up, there’s more naked men inside that plastic box over there on the floor than you could ever possibly look at.”

  Dani closed her eyes and shook her hair so hard it twirled around her head like a skirt, but she snatched up the beer all the same.

  “Well,” she said. “For scientific study.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  Dani had used the wholesome notion of scientific study as a means of investigating all manner of nasty things over the years. We’d spent a good deal of the summer watching dirty movies filched from her dad’s footlocker in the garage, pausing at the stranger parts and studying them like scientists. Once, she even got her mom to buy Judy Blume’s Forever with the excuse that she needed to write a paper on the mores of suburban adolescents in the 1970s for her social studies class. I still shake my head in wonder over that bit of bullshit.

  It took both of us to tug the computer free. The Styrofoam squeaked like a stepped-on mouse.

  How could I have known then the kind of craziness that would come out of that box? Or that on that same exact day, maybe right around the same time, the boy who’d change everything about me, right down to my last clean pair of socks, was opening up his own box of trouble? Inside his box was the decision to leave his job, his home, his whole life. Inside his box was how he got caught sketching a stray dog on the back of a pink requisition form and was now pushing a mop as punishment. No more of this, he told himself. No way. I’m through. And I remember thinking how a new computer smelled like clean.

  Dani tossed the instruction book an
d called her next-door neighbor, Wynn.

  Wynn was a year above us. He was bony and stooped and had M&M-sized whiteheads on the back of his neck. He smelled like fresh-cut onion. As he sat at the keyboard, going through the startup instructions point by point, I made a shadow-puppet alligator crawl across his back, showing Dani how any one of the whiteheads could burst at the slightest touch, like a grenade with a loose pin.

  “I’m going to leave you two lovebirds alone,” I said.

  Dani pinched my arm, hard.

  “And I’m going to stab you in the arm with a fork,” Dani said, making an irritable V with her eyebrows.

  But I didn’t leave. I sat on the woven rag rug that covered most of Dani’s floor. Hers was the kind of bedroom you’d expect to see on some Nickelodeon teen sitcom. It was the size of my living room and decorated in a color scheme of teal and silver. Dani used the word teal, anyhow—really, it was plain blue. The four-poster bed was blue, with blue sheets, and her two beanbag chairs were silver. She called this the hanging-out area and had hung posters of her favorite bands. In most, the musicians all had the look of long-distance truckers loitering in the parking lot of a Waffle House at 2:00 A.M. But in the newest one, there weren’t any people at all, just a big blue box with the silhouettes of tan and white weeds. Dani had become obsessed with a band called the Shins. Jingle-jangle guitars, sad whispering boys, and the occasional rim shot. Hum-along music that snuck up on you and stayed in your skull.

  When Wynn told us we were online, Dani stared through the wall and tugged at a strand of hair as he set up an e-mail account for us and bookmarked some sites he said he thought might be of interest, so I could tell something was on her mind.

  “You like celebrity gossip?” Wynn asked. “Gaming news? There’s this one site that’s really great that has all these funny alligator-eating-pet stories from Florida. You want to see that?”

  “Really,” I said. “Florida?”

  “Oh my God,” Dani snapped, “will you two shut up about Florida? Look—” She squeezed her eyes shut until the lids wrinkled. Whatever it was she wanted to say seemed to be trapped like a hairball in her throat. Finally, she coughed it up. “Why don’t you bring us to a site where we can … mess with people.”

  “What do you mean?” Wynn asked.

  “Pretend to be someone else,” she said. “Talk to them. Get inside their heads. Just mess with people, you know?”

  Wynn wiped his hands on the back of his green corduroy cutoffs. “Who do you want to be?”

  She looked for a few moments over at the posters in the hanging-out area. “I could be a singer in some band from Scotland.”

  “Come on, Dani,” I said. “Think big. Why not a fifty-year-old gay guy with gorgeous pecs from Dothan, Alabama?”

  “Or a pretty girl from Metter, Georgia,” Wynn said. There were beads of sweat collecting in the wispy, little grandma mustache he looked to be trying to grow. It was gross and I really wanted him to wipe it off, but I didn’t say anything. Dani had flung enough mean at him for three people. Earlier she had asked him if he thought about me when he jerked off and I thought the boy might faint.

  “Oh, please,” Dani said. She let loose with a lip-flapping sigh and made what I thought of as her fat face. She’d kill me if she ever heard me say this, but she had one of those Cabbage Patch Kid faces. Round and plump. And when she frowned, like she was doing now, she’d push her chin down and the fat would wrinkle up under there, making it look like she’d suddenly lost her neck. Dani wasn’t what you’d call fat fat, but she wasn’t even close to skinny either. She had beautiful black hair that came down to her shoulders and curled up at the ends in a flip and a button nose that turned up at the end too. When I was mad at her, I called her “pig snout” in my head, but the truth was she had a pretty nose. I wouldn’t mind having it. Mine had a big bump on the bridge I hated. But her best feature, in my opinion, was her eyes, which were the color of a Rolling Rock bottle that’d been smashed on concrete. Green with silvery splinters.

  “But why would you want to be someone else?” Wynn asked.

  Dani caught my eye and grinned. Wynn looked back and forth between us, wearing a smile that looked like it hurt.

  “What?” he said. “What?”

  “Alright,” Dani said.

  “Alright, what?” Wynn said.

  “Make me a fifty-year-old gay guy from Dothan, Alabama, The Peanut Capital of the World.”

  “With gorgeous pecs,” I added.

  And so Wynn showed us how to become a fifty-year-old gay guy from Dothan, Alabama. We were never quite ourselves again after that.

  Asshole

  My mother is a nurse and my father is an asshole. He left us when I was six. For the first couple of years after the divorce, he lived in Savannah and came up on weekends to see me. He paid his child support. My dad was an accountant at the Gulfstream airplane factory. “Your father makes a pile of cash,” my mom would say whenever I asked her to get me something. “Ask him for it.” Or she’d say, “You can go see that movie with your father if you think you can shake ten bucks out of him.” Or, “If your father had half a heart, he’d get you some decent shoes.”

  “Your mother has an active imagination,” is what he’d tell me when I asked him. “Rich, my ass,” he’d say. “Gulfstream doesn’t even have a union. At least not for accountants.”

  The last time I ever saw my dad was the Saturday he took me out to Tybee Island. In the parking lot, he swiped me a ratty orange life vest off of someone’s boat trailer. He reached in and grabbed it and just kept walking toward the beach.

  I was three weeks away from being eight years old. When Dad didn’t call on my birthday, my mom tried to reach him and found his phone had been disconnected. She called his boss out at Gulfstream, who said he’d stopped showing up for work three days ago and hadn’t left a forwarding address. He and my dad had been friends since high school, so my mom thought Mack—that was the boss’s name—was covering for him. She said she hoped his wife did the same thing to him one day and for him to go fuck himself. She wrapped the phone cord around her fingers so tight they turned yellow.

  The next day, Mack called back. There was a problem with Dad’s accounts. The day after that, the police came to our house.

  I asked what Dad had done to make everybody so mad at him. My mom said, “Your father’s an asshole. He did what comes natural to assholes. He shit all over everybody.”

  The year I turned eight I learned how to do laundry, make Kraft macaroni and cheese out of a box, and smoke cigarettes.

  I now divide my life into two parts—BDD and ADD—Before Dad Disappeared and After Dad Disappeared, and more and more I don’t remember a lot about BDD.

  I do remember Tybee Island, though.

  He must of known he was leaving by then.

  I wonder if he’d planned to tell me.

  Or maybe he didn’t know yet. And when he figured it out, it was too late to say anything.

  His hair was curly and red and very thin on top. The sun turned his scalp the color of boiled shrimp. We treaded water out past the breakers, the gulls calling out threats to one another and the sunlight smashing into millions of pieces in the choppy water.

  Learning the Rules

  Dani and me went through dozens of cheesy adult social sites before we settled on The Big Green Bus. The description said you’d love it if you always saved out the green M&M’s for special occasions because here was a site where everyone downed them by the handful. We guessed this was some type of reference to horniness. Officially, it was a site that listed evening entertainment in Chicago, but it also had a message board that you needed to become a member in order to see. The first few sites we’d tried were mostly filled with dorks like Wynn and other species of babbling idjit. Even when we’d pick out somebody that seemed halfway normal to send instant messages to, the guy would start right in with raunchy sex talk. “I’m jacking off right now thinking about you” or “I’m putting my fingers in you
r pussy and you like it.” The thing was, we didn’t like it. Not one bit. Dani and me didn’t mind talking about sex, we liked to actually, it came up all the time, but not like we were actors in a made-for-cable porn movie. So we decided to try a not-so-obvious place to play.

  The Big Green Bus was for “progressive adults in the Greater Chicago Area,” whatever the hell that meant. Dani felt certain “progressive” meant perverted. One of the ways we tested a possible site was by trying to access it from her dad’s computer upstairs. If her mom’s anti-sex block let us view it, then we knew it was definitely a tame site for kiddies. The Big Green Bus got blocked. Just to see the home page you had to type in a birth date proving you were twenty-one or older and sign a release promising you were a “mature, professional adult.” Its motto was: A vehicle for single professionals to meet and socialize for a stop or two, or maybe go along for the long haul—wherever the bus might take you. I couldn’t decide if this was supposed to be funny or what. Dani thought not. It worried me who would be in here if this was supposed to be serious.

  We threw out an opener on the message page—basically, I’m lonely, young and female, help!—and waited. It took longer than we thought it would. Dani made me refresh the page every few minutes. After nearly an hour, some guy checked out the fake photo Wynn had clipped from a website for preschool teachers called The Peaceable Kidom, and decided we were cute enough to ask if we wanted to instant message. Our name that night was Tabitha. Dani thought it sounded sophisticated. The guy’s online name was Adguy 1092, but once we started exchanging instant messages, he told us his name was actually Hank. He designed El ads in Chicago (Dani was convinced this was what city people called elevators until we Googled it).

  After the very obvious Rule #1: Don’t use your real name, we devised Rule #2: Find out what your opponent really wants and determine why he thinks he can only get it online, so you can turn this against him later.

  Each time Hank provided an answer Dani didn’t like (for example, Q: How many inches around are your biceps? A: Twelve inches), she would shout, “Lie!” and we’d stop for a moment to discuss a new approach. At one point her mom came down to see what the ruckus was all about. “It’s a science game on the computer. They give you a bunch of true-or-false questions about stuff like dolphins and then the program rates your knowledge,” she told a very skeptical Mrs. Dunham. Dani had gone to the trouble of providing an alibi should this moment come. As her mom came down the stairs, Dani clicked the little box at the bottom of the screen and up popped a photo of a dolphin munching on a dirty, yellow fish. “Some of these questions are so easy it’s a little annoying. Sorry if I got too loud. I mean, really, who doesn’t know a dolphin chews its cud like a cow? Why else would they be nicknamed sea cows? Jeez.”